I have two announcements to make. One is that today marks the end of the ULTRAsomething site; and two is that today marks the beginning of the ULTRAsomething site.
Each announcement warrants a bit of exposition.
The End
I’ll let you in on a little secret. I had every intention of shutting down this site on 14 Dec 2018, which will be the 10th anniversary of the first ULTRAsomething post.
When I started the “blog” (an anachronistic term at this point), I pledged to myself that I would write at least one post every calendar month. No matter if I was sick; or busy; or grumpy; or simply had nothing to say — I was going to be no less disciplined than the folks at the utility company, who never once failed to present me with my monthly electric bill.
Unfortunately, I neglected to set an expiry date for this little exercise. Looking back, I think I expected the site to last no more than a year or two. Surely, by that time, I would have sold the movie rights; Ryan Gosling would have won an Oscar for his portrayal of me; and I’d be pimping my latest collection of bound essays on the late-night talkshow circuit.
By year three, it was apparent this scenario might have been a wee bit optimistic. So I trudged on and continued to honor my pledge. It wasn’t always easy, and I had to get a bit creative on occasion — once going so far as to post an article on the final day of the month, which stated simply that I was posting an article just so I could say I posted an article. Think what you want about ULTRAsomething, but I’ve never been afraid to go ‘meta.’
I believe it was at this exact point, seven years in, when I finally faced facts: ULTRAsomething was an albatross, and I needed an exit strategy. So I decided to give myself three more years, and then pull the plug on the site’s 10th birthday. Ten years sounded like a masochistically impressive number — one that would hopefully convince someone to bother writing me an obituary one day.
The dream of ULTRAsomething’s cessation sustained and nourished me for a full three years. “31 more articles to go.” “30 more articles to go.” “29 more articles to go…”
Earlier this year, when the countdown reached “9,” I started to think more seriously about the finale. Should I simply surprise everyone with a “Sayounara Suckers!” post on December 14th? Or should I have a protracted farewell in which I express heartfelt thanks to my 17 faithful readers, and ride into the sunset on the back of a few ‘greatest hits’ and ‘fondest memories’ posts?
The more I planned for ULTRAsomething’s demise, the more I realized I couldn’t picture my life without it. Without ULTRAsomething, how would I artificially justify my existence? What would happen if I finally took a good photo, but no longer had a place to post it? What if I had a thought, which I knew would appeal to at least 6 of those 17 readers? How would I share it with them? What would be my new, post-ULTRAsomething identity? Would I even have an identity?
Fear and uncertainty were beginning to taint my feelings of jubilant anticipation. So I asked myself a difficult question: Is pulling the plug really the best solution?
I am at the corner of yesterday and tomorrow. I know where I came from; I know where I am; but where will I go? I have three choices. One, I can terminate the site as originally intended, allowing ULTRAsomething to die with dignity and a modicum of grace. Two, I can let it live as it has — watching it dodder and drool to a feeble and insignificant conclusion. Or three, I can have it murdered!
The Beginning
The lurid sensationalism of the murder option is simply too attractive to ignore. So here’s what’s happening: Rather than heroically pulling the plug on December 14th; and rather than gutlessly watching ULTRAsomething stagger and stumble towards oblivion; I am going to strip it naked, cover it in wildebeest blood, strap a parachute to its back, and drop it smack into the middle of the Olare Motorogi Conservancy in Maasai Mara.
In less metaphorical terms, this means I’m shedding myself of the old notion that articles must somehow tangentially relate to photography, music, or the creative process. Rather, the site is simply going to be the creative process. I’m going to write what I want, when I want, as often as I want. If I don’t wish to write an article one month, I won’t. If I wish to write three articles one month, I will. If I wish to write a detailed compendium on the history of the slide rule, you’ll get to read it. A collection of gluten-free cricket recipes? Why not? I might even get around to finishing my dissertation on the comparative charms of various 1970’s Italian cinema genre actresses (spoiler alert: Edwige Fenech comes out on top).
Freed from its self-imposed tyranny, ULTRAsomething will no longer pretend to be a niche site. Instead, it will pretend to be a frothy, general-interest, lifestyle and entertainment site. Which means it will compete head-to-head with other such sites — most of which seem to thrive on salacious celebrity gossip, fashion tips, and a miles-long stream of food photos and selfies. If you’re wondering how something as contrarian as ULTRAsomething can possibly survive when pitted against such banality in a battle for internet traffic, then you understand the metaphor — it can’t! And therein is the genius of my murder plan.
Practically speaking, I’m still me. So every topic, no matter how serious or consequential, will be approached with the usual flippantly sardonic irreverence. Which means the majority of my 17 readers might not actually notice much of a change — save for an even more pronounced absence of words like “f/stop” and “focal length.” But just to make certain this titanic shift in direction doesn’t go completely unnoticed, I’ve designed a new site logo to replace the one I’ve used since 2002.
I’m sure some of you have questions. So as the new ULTRAsomething’s first order of business, I’ve prepared a detailed, relevant and hopefully helpful FAQ.
FAQ
Q: Do any of these changes affect me at all?
A: Yes. Your life will become demonstrably better in every possible way, but you will inevitably fail to connect your newfound happiness to ULTRAsomething — misattributing it to your new promotion; your new lover; or your recent lottery winnings.
Q: I’m filthy rich and already own a Koenigsegg CCXR Trevita, Bugatti Veyron, and an Aston Martin Valkyrie. Rather than sullying my collection with something as pedestrian as a McLaren P1, I’d prefer to invest in ULTRAsomething, which I’m sure will give me far more enjoyment. How should I do this?
A: You can donate small sums of cash through the site’s DONATE link — easily the ‘best kept’ secret in the 10 year history of this site. Sums of six-figures or more may be wired directly from your bank to mine. Contact me.
Q: If I donate to ULTRAsomething, does that mean I have the right to request topics for articles?
A: Yes. But your requests will have absolutely no bearing on what I choose to write or publish.
Q: I couldn’t be bothered to actually read this article. Are you saying that ULTRAsomething will no longer be a photography blog?
A: ULTRAsomething was never a photography blog. It was always an exercise in existentialism, which I linked clumsily to photography as a way to trick people into reading it. ULTRAsomething will continue to be an exercise in existentialism, minus the blatant photographic pandering. However, there will still be plenty of photos integrated into the site, and perhaps even the occasional article about those photos. I consider the language of photography to be every bit as important to this site as the language of words. It’s just that those words don’t need to be about photography.
Q: I’m so glad you’ve decided not to pull the plug on ULTRAsomething come December 14th. Do you have any idea how much longer you’ll continue to publish it?
A: No. But if all goes according to plan, pronounced reader apathy should effectively kill it on or about that same date.
©2018 grEGORy simpson
ABOUT THE PHOTOS:
There is absolutely no mystery to the photos accompanying this article — but there is a side note. Should you ever wish your life was blessed with more public consternation, scornful scrutiny, and contentious conversations with security personnel, I’ve found the solution: Stand on a corner 6″ from the edge of a building and take photographs of it with a 10mm lens. Your blessings will come.
REMINDER: If you find these photos enjoyable or the articles beneficial, please consider making a DONATION to this site’s continuing evolution. As you’ve likely realized, ULTRAsomething is not an aggregator site — serious time and effort go into developing the original content contained within these virtual walls.
Ha! You won’t get rid of me that easy.
Looking forward to the next iteration of the site
David: Thanks for choosing to stick around and bear witness to the impending blogicide…
Nothing gets the apathetic more riled than being called apathetic. I’m feeling guilty for not posting comments on each of your articles . . . which I always enjoy. Not sure if I’m counted as part of the loyal 17, but if not, hey you’re up to 18! Looking forward to the future Ultrasomething continuing in whatever shape and form it takes. I hope you are finally feeling the love from New Jersey.
Rich: Darn it. My intent was to decrease the loyalty count to zero; not increase it to 18! Thanks for the encouragement.
I also read all posts. I must be number 19.
Boyan: Yes, it does seem I’ve made a slight undercount of this site’s readership. I think I’m going to need more wildebeest blood…
I’m only interested in the photographs, Gregory: the rest is just blah, blah, blah 😉
Anyway, if you had wanted to kill the site with this post, you wouldn’t have included such a good set of photos so I’m taking it all with the pinch of salt you appear to have served in the copy. And when did you last do “blatant photographic pandering”? Did I miss a post?
Ronnie: Words words, words — words: words; words: words. And regarding the photos: I actually took all of them yesterday afternoon during a panic-stricken scavenger hunt for photos that would have metaphoric relevance to this article. I hit on the idea of mounting a 10mm Voigtlander on the Monochrom, and pointing it directly at the corners of buildings (assuring I looked like a right idiot to all who saw this). The field of view is so wide, and the depth of field so deep, that it easily displays (albeit distortedly) the full length of both converging streets. The result is a sort of single-frame diptych. It worked out rather well (particularly in the first and last photos). I could possibly have walked a bit further in hopes of finding even more wry content, but I was feeling the adverse effects of a heat wave. Words words words words, “words words!” Words. Words words?
The corners is a great idea. I wish I had thought of that with my Minolta P’s panoramic when I was in Vancouver but I was too fixated on the vertical format. I took those two years ago and still haven’t got round to posting them and when I do, I still won’t know what to say about them – no words.
Egor,
There is an old saying that if you can’t get out of something get into it.
That worked for me when my daughter entered high school, and stated that she hated it. Soon after she joined the Girl’s Athletic Association – GAA and was President throughout most of her time there to Gr13 and found out that teachers = actually very nice.
Good Luck
One of the loyal 17/18?
H.R.
Hugh: That’s a good saying. I would have assumed I’m old enough to have heard it before, but I hadn’t. Yes, this is *exactly* what I’m doing. It’s amazing how a simple change of perspective can alter one’s reality. The mere removal of a few self-imposed restrictions is all it took for me to start feeling good about this site again.
Sounds great, looking forward to it!
Jason: Sure, that’s easy to say *now*… 😉
Egor,
Having completed a double major in Philosophy and Psychology and as a Professional Photographer (on paper) I also want more blah, blah, blah… a lot – with photographs.
Cheers
H.R.
As a mostly silent follower for a few years I have to say I am glad you have chosen this future path.
Your highly individual shots, music, and writings are the best things that come up on my feed.
Ref the pre mentioned comment by Hugh, I have lived by a similar one; Get in or get out, you can’t do both. And that lead photo graphically shows where the sharp edges of compromise lie
Look forward to the, err, Ultranew?
Thanks, Peter. I’m not sure just how Ultranew it will end up being, but by now defining every “off topic” topic as “on topic,” the site capitalization might shift to “ultraSOMETHING.”
Count me in in the small group of ‘regular’ readers. The more digression in your writings, the better, like good writers do; there is some truth lying within, and not trying to impose any agenda to your posts will free you from nonsensical conformity. I am in the same situation with my travel blog but without announcing it, and so is my 11 year old blog, once fairly popular, waiting to be fed with tips and other stupid things that I can’t bother writing about. Força!!
Manuel: I’ve found that the only thing that kills my creativity faster than having too many limitations is having too few.
Phew! Maaate, don’t do that! Bloody heck.
No, you cannot stop UltraS, …even when you’re dead; or after that…or before then…and “now” has already passed, so you are out of luck.
Seriously, if this blog died it would be a sad day listed on as many social media feeds as I can manage (so 2, maybe 3).
😉
BvR
Brendon: Wait… you’re saying even my death can’t kill ULTRAsomething? That’s an angle I hadn’t considered in my previous attempt to sell the site’s movie rights — It’s a horror movie! It’s so obvious now.
…oh, and I think I’m reader 17…Down-Under, so the interweb pages get here last.
Hah, you really must write straight more often: I really realized just now that your site had (has) a logo!
Wojtek: I like to think that the reason you failed to notice this site’s previous logo is that the essays are so enthralling, and not that the logo was so lame…
Hey Egor.
My desire to hold onto my faith in the universality of good taste and the power of written wisdom makes me wonder if your reports of low readership are just part of a genius marketing ploy to keep your millions of monthly readers loyal by making each believe they are one of only 17 that ‘get it’.
But, to go along with your ruse, I would point out the danger of consulting Google Analytics, our modern-day Oracle of Delphi, to take measure of the reach of your work.
For one example, I read aloud your Mathematics of Dating article to a dinner party of more than your claimed readership last month. In that the recitation was such a hit, I’m quite sure some of my guests shared bit of your wit with others from there – all outside the prying eyes of Google.
Moreover, to the best of my knowledge, our all-knowing Oracle, is yet unable to measure the emotional or intellectual impact of each view it records, thus mistaking 10,000 disinterested glances as greater reach than a single reader engaging with an article and taking from it joy, wisdom and inspiration – which of course it isn’t.
You do good work that has great reach, so-called-analytics be damned.
Hi, Eric. Two things: First, I accept your flawless analysis of the flaws of analytics — if not because I love paradox, then because your conclusions are much better for my ego. Second, where might one attend the sort of dinner party you mentioned? And does it involve interplanetary travel?
So there you are. You finally did it. You raised the curtain, lifted the veil, pulled the trigger, dropped the bomb, and now we get to see the real face behind that seductive façade.
Hah!
Nice one you pulled there. Fooling all of us blokes with chummy chit-chat about Photography, Mathematics, Logic, and other yummy-dudey left-brainy talk. But all the while, underneath that pristine, alluring, but oh so frail and fragile skin: Emotional Mayhem! Existential Torment! Dark Brooding Thoughts about Unfulfilled Desires! Secret Plans of Relationship Endings! Subterfuge! Even Murder!
Oh My God!
How could I have let this happen? I should have known better than to fall for your enchanting siren song, letting myself be lured into your deadly den of destruction! Next thing you’ll be confessing you’ve been seeing another readership for the last six months, secretively whispering sexy syllogisms and risqué repartees into their naive, unsuspecting, all too eagerly pricked-up ears.
And now what? Now you’re telling us “it doesn’t have to be _really_ over”, “we can still be friends”. We can still see each other, only “differently”. Yeah Right and Yes Well I Don’t Think So Young Lady! (I bet your real name is Gregoria). You don’t play with people’s hearts like that! We’re human beings you know, we’re not some toy to play with for a while and they thoughtlessly throw in the garbage.
“Words words words”. Yes indeed, words words words, at least you got that one right…
Now look at me… I’m a wreck! What am I supposed to do without you? You know I can’t leave you, I’d rather die than not hear your voice anymore… Oh my God… What have you done…?
OK then, there is no other way out. What am I to do? I can’t live without you. I’ll read anything you still care to share with me. Feed me your culinary witticisms, I’ll devour them with devotion. Send me pictures of your latest prêt-à-porter and I’ll aptly admire them comme il faut. You know you have me. You know you have me for good.
Should I ever decide to start posting articles by “guest writers,” you’ve just secured yourself a spot at the top of the list… 😉
Haha, thanks! I can assure you I have no romantic feelings for you, but for some strange reason your announcement triggered memories of the break-up with my previous girlfriend, and I needed to release that energy in a positive manner.
As long as you keep posting from the heart using your keen sense of observation and sharp mind, I’m sure I’ll be looking forward to your posts regardless of their quirkiness in terms of subject matter and/or periodicity.
Gino: Glad I could be of some service. We’ve all been there. Some of us several ((hundred?) thousand?)) times.
So now you make us, your readers, directly responsible for the continuation of your site? Nice move. We’ll just have to keep bothering you with actually reacting to your ramblings to keep this going then.
Seriously, although most likely a gear review got me on your website, your writing itself kept me here, regularly giving me the inspiration that I might be able to actually do something interesting with my live (and then I have to get back to work).
So you won’t lose me as a regular so easily.
Hi Lars: With your comment, this article has now achieved the minimum number of reader responses demanded by my new, custom-designed “Reader Engagement” algorithm, which measures and weights all reader involvement with ULTRAsomething content. I am thus pleased to inform you (and all the other ULTRAsomething data points) that, because of your collective participation, there will be another article posted in the very near future. Thanks for reacting to the ramblings!
Well, color me gobsmacked. Has the world shifted on its axis? Is up now down? Do we need to hide the children? What is this strange new world you are introducing?
Writing about anything you want? What’s next, the darkness at noon?
Nevertheless, I shall read whatever you write, just like I always have.
Yes. Every eventuality you predict will, indeed, come true. Cats will bark. Trees will speak. Romanian will become the new world language (because, curiously, that’s the native language of the trees). And possibly… possibly… humans will even begin to engage in sensible and respectful discourse. It’ll be a crazy new world. Buckle up!
Wait a second! After all this time you finally manage to convince me to use old film cameras to take grainy, blurrry, useless photos and then develop them myself in the upstairs bathroom, only to announce you want to murder Ultrasomething?!! Oh no you don’t mister! Just for that, I’m going to keep reading the site, thus upping the reader engagement metrics even further and forcing you to keep on with your random ramblings for at least another month.
By the way, the language of trees in Cape Breton is Gaelic, not Romanian, and their conversations are much more respectful than human ones……..
That’s right, Andrew! But don’t be sad. You can continue to take all the grainy, blurry useless photos you wish (I will). Instead, look on the bright side — and just image what sorts of additional, new and useless things I might be able to persuade you and others to do…
Yikes! What’s next? I mean, I already have an old British motorcycle with a kickstarter (the foot operated thingy, not the crowd funding site) sitting in the shed seeping oil. I wonder how many more useless things my wife will tolerate?
Still, this could be fun. For example, I am the proud owner of a (free) Isconar lens with a “Diax” mount, but no camera to put it on. I wonder what sort of useless things can be done with just an old lens, but no camera? Now you’ve got me thinking.
Be careful — too many useless things, and you might find yourself suddenly on your wife’s list of “useless things.” I’d suggest approaching the new site with a measure of caution.