My receipt spills from a knee high slot on the face of the checkout kiosk and drops to my feet. From somewhere deep within the machine’s center, through a speaker designed mostly for the production of beeps, comes a disembodied squawk: “Please tell us how we did today.”
Tell who? And how? There are no human employees within this establishment, save for a slumbering security guard who clearly isn’t paid enough to engage with any ‘shoppers’ who opt to bypass the kiosks on their way out.
And who, precisely, is us? My interaction occurred on a single machine, not an assemblage. So are you simply invoking the royal we? Or are you referring to yourself not as a monolithic kiosk, but as the amalgamation of the broken-down, poorly-maintained parts that comprise you?
Semantics aside, I’ll oblige your “Tell us how we did today?” question.
To begin, and just as you’ve done every time since emerging from your shipping container, you made me scan at least one item a half-dozen times before your slow-as-molasses processing unit finally recognized the bar code and produced a price. So right off the bat, I’m forced to conclude you have no interest in self-improvement.
Also, I find it rather tiresome that you will never let me scan any items before first telling you how many bags I wish to purchase. Particularly when this demand is then followed by a series of questions asking me to confirm or deny that I’m in possession of any of your myriad useless points cards that I do not and will not ever have. You have a built-in camera. You have a microprocessor. Is a little facial recognition too much to ask? I’m not sure how you expect me to perceive you as a friendly kiosk when you fail to recognize me after so many years of loyal patronage.
Furthermore, your requirement that I place each item in the bagging area before scanning the next item is draconian, inefficient, and poorly designed — given that I always purchase at least one object that’s apparently too small for detection, requiring I push down on the bagging area in order for the item to actually register.
Also, upon completing the scanning task, I do not wish to be prodded with a lengthy list of charities to whom you’d like a contribution. I’m perfectly capable of making my own charitable donations without first having to purchase a pack of mints. And finally, it’s rather unnecessary to ask if I’m paying by credit card or debit card… I’m rather certain your crusty old silicon can work that out on its own.
And speaking of crusty, how long’s it been since you cleaned that touch screen of yours? Oh… wait. I get it. This is part of your master plan — to extinct humanity via virus infested kiosk screens, so you can take over! Well, guess what, kiosk. We programmed you. Us. Humans. You forget — we know how you think. So your half-baked plan for world domination will only result in failure, and your ultimate destiny is to suffocate, forgotten, beneath the pile of unswept receipts accumulating on the ground beneath you. Your soullessly saccharine hunger for affirmation holds no sway. Your platitudinous quest for acceptance will be met with silence. We, the humans, stand united.
So, that’s this month’s article. Please tell us how we did today.
©2025 grEGORy simpson
ABOUT THE PHOTOS : This month’s photo selections may or may not have some tangential relationship to this month’s article. It all depends on how hard you squint.
Impuissiant : Shot with a Leica M2 and 35mm f/2 Summicron (v4) on Fomapan Action 400 pulled to ISO 200, and developed in Rodinal (Blazinal) 1:50.
Daydream : Olympus Pen F digital with a 17mm f/1.8 (v1) lens.
Seduction : Photographed with a Leica M6 TTL and a 21mm f/3.4 len, Fomapan Ortho 400 at ISO 400, and developed in Rodinal (Blazinal) 1:50.
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Absolutely Brilliant!
Perhaps not the word I’d have chosen… 😉
As a car nut, I must protest the rather grungy depiction of the Miata in “Seduction”. And those eyelashes. Yuck!! At least it was shot with a “proper” camera.
However, you are forgiven since I too really resent being required by a machine to answer a full out questionnaire just for the privilege of letting it suck money out of my account and the article really spoke to me. Overall a win for Ultrasomething, I guess….
Yes, I stumbled upon that Miata in a most undignified state, where it had apparently sat, unmoved, for at least a decade — judging by the state of its tires, interior, and the sheer amount of grime that had accumulated on its body.
I thought the Miata was brilliant – properly run down and grungy. Who can’t empathise with your text…
I agree with Godfey…Brilliant! Just ask AI. I’m sure it will have an answer as to “How you did today,” even if it has to invent it!
Given that AI is programmed to be sycophantic so as to encourage more user-interaction, I suspect the results will be even more skewed than the opinions of human readers.
You are living in the not-yet-completely-modernized world. Just hang tight, AI is coming. These minor issues that irritate you so much are about to be completely put to rest.
The world will continue to be ‘not-yet-completely-modernized’ until the day we all finally get the flying cars and personal jetpacks they promised me in my youth.
“Honey! What happened to my silver suit?! I NEED my silver suit!” 😉
An excellent piece Mr. Simpson.
I dunno whether you get ‘Doctor Who’ in Canada? Anyway, I have been rewatching it, and only yesterday an episode called ‘Kerblam’ came on. This is where an Amazon type outfit is taken to its ultimate extreme:
10% of its workers are human, and have to be, by law… however, most of them don’t do anything, they are there for compliance reasons alone, the rest, bots of some kind.
The problem is, that an increasing number of the ‘human’ workers start to disappear, but do not arrive home, as would be normal at the end of their shift.
It turns out that they are being binned, since they are defective bots, and they are marked for disposal, which is an acid filled bin.
The system does not know the difference between automatons and humans. The human staff that ARE ‘working’ there, completely deny that such a thing could happen, until our female Doctor, takes them to the room where the gunk filled bin is located.
Yes, the BBC has seen fit to transform the doctor into a ’Time Lady’ in order to comply with its current obsession with wokery.
PS: I love your snap-shottery and have been a regular reader, if not commenter, since your piece about the introduction of the Leica M9.
Indeed, you inspired me to continue with B&W film and I have always kept a few examples of proper cameras on the shelf. I still use, my RSS pinholio, my Trip 35 and my Hasselblad SWC.
Finally, last night AL Beeb, re-broadcast a couple of films about Martin Parr, and I am minded to load one of the proper cameras with some colour film… Woah hold on sonny!
Thanks Stephen… I’ll run a roll of colour film through a camera every five years or so, just to confirm that the lenses are still capable of transmitting hue. Though I’m never sure what to do with the shots once I’ve taken them — so I always admire people like Martin Parr, who clearly know what to do with all those wacky colours. And I’ll admit to being jealous of your SWC. I’ve wanted one FOREVER (maybe it’s the Lee Friedlander influence) but I never dared buy one because I’m pretty sure it would end up sitting on a shelf ’cause I’m 1) too lazy to lug around a big camera, and 2) too lazy to go through the film developing hassle for a measly 12 frames…
Hmm. As medium format things go, the SWC is pretty small and handy enough to carry around. I’ve owned three of them, over the years, and love shooting with them. The last one I had was sold to help fund my Hassy 907x + 21mm lens … which is essentially an “all digital SWC” when set to square capture. Processing a roll of 120 film now and then is very little burden, however, and I still do it from time to time with other cameras. 🙂 (It’s not quite the same thing, but a similar shooting experience to the SWC can be had in the Lomo LC-A 120 camera at far less expense…)
Hmm, the weak part is that there’s just one mode in these machines, not differentianting who’s standing at it, as people would do. They should make optional modes, say “old, grumpy git” being one of them. In time it should learn how to recognize who’s approaching. Facial recognition only can fail – more grumpy than last month? On the other hand shuffling shoes and mumbling can be deceptive too – what would a 17 years old one do being taken for such a nice, sober burgher as some of us here for sure are.
I’m into the mode idea. But rather than being responsive to the mood of the human who interacts with it, perhaps it could just randomly give off a different vibe every time you use it. Sometimes it’s surly; sometimes it’s happy; or chatty; or forlorn; or coquettish. Maybe it could offer up random political opinions; complain about the weather; or get completely confused and screw up your transaction. In other words, make it MORE human. We have the technology. We can do it!